Natural Fears

So here’s the deal. All artists go through the process where they doubt themselves and their talent. I believe this is a natural process; if you were really full of yourself at the beginning of your career everyone would hate you and you would go nowhere fast.

On top of this doubt, I am the first to admit that I do have an inferiority complex, I don’t know if it’s born from being a middle child, teased in school or what, but it’s there. I deal.

Combine these two things together and I panic about my filmmaking ability from time to time. I’ve gotten used to it and I deal with it. However, I am currently majorly into production on my first feature film – on a shoe-string budget, with an insane schedule. This has made for some panic inducing moments for Megan, and I am not a person that panics. I get mad, but I don’t panic.

For example, a week ago, before my first table read I slept horribly and had a nightmare. I have not had a nightmare that I can remember clearly since I was about 6 and I remember it had to do with witches and monsters…and the color green. But, I had a nightmare that none of the actors could find the location, and all of my crew and cast quit.

I knew this wouldn’t really happen and I was proven right; my entire cast showed up, and all of my crew is enthusiastic about the project.

Of course this week I’ve been working on my shot list so of course the doubts about my directing ability crept in. I watched some films and proving to myself that I am not crazy, I have seen what I’m thinking before. I also know that people like my previous work. So I prayed and squashed that fear down.

Then the stress started creeping in about my schedule. How the heck can I get a feature film done on that schedule. I am insane. This thinking persisted…and persisted… However, I am a firm believe that if I am doing what God wants me to do He’ll deal with me and it may be in really odd ways. And it was an odd way that God took this fear from me.

Swingers. I watched a documentary in the special features on Swingers last night because I wanted to have something on while I straightened my hair (and I wouldn’t care that I had to see it backwards in the mirror).

They shot Swingers in 20 days, but only scheduled 18. They shot in clubs and casinos that weren’t closed. They couldn’t get financing. Doug Limon was DP and he’d never DP’d before. They used practical lighting. One thing they said was they decided they were going to have a set that they would be embarrassed to have visitors on, because if it looked like a Hollywood set it meant that they were paying attention to the wrong things. They couldn’t get into Sundance.

At least half the cast and crew are now major players, who have great careers. And Swingers launched them.

I’m not putting any kind of insane hope that END will launch me in the same way that Swingers launched Doug Limon, but God did use a dang special feature on a dvd to make me feel like less of a hopeless freak.